It is 22.56 pm and I've been trying to sleep for two hours. Why so early, you may ask. Because I've lied to myself and believed that I'd better wake up early and write my thesis.

This last past years, I've been alone with myself a quite whole lot more than before. I imagine one thought flowing to a stall sea - and slowly breaksdown the harmony. On one hand, I say to myself, you are the one who is different, you are the one who is promising. Do something, just not watch Youtube videos or stream previous shows you've already watched. Yet, there is this alter ego, maybe a secret identity, whose life goal is to constantly drown me down. It is maybe a mother figure, saying boy, don't worry - you'll work more tomorrow. Still it is hard to decide whether it is in fact an evil nemessis or a caring relative.

Can we say that, as in movies, do major periods in our lifes have themes? Primary school years: playing Power Rangers in recreation, naivite, simplicity. Middle school years: patience, waiting for it to finish. Highschool: peace, hope. College: Search of identity, trying to understand the dynamics. Master's: hope, patience, peace. PhD: Fall-down. Self-interrogation. Feeling of insufficiency. Desire for impact along with a feeling of incapability. What is next?


When are we honest with ourselves? When do we lie? If we put our self-protection mechanism on a side, would we still like what we saw? Why do we obsess on different things? And most importantly, why can't we control our thoughts?

Even if I know a particular way of thinking is flawed, I still can not stop it. Take this city obsession for example, I know that by fantasizing about different cities and not seeing any brightside on my current one, I am making a mistake of confusing fantasy with reality. When I dream about New York, I completely forget my earlier dreams about Austin. I know that this is hypocrite but why then I can't stop? Don't I know it well enough or does hope triumph experience?

Hello my fellow followers,

You probably think I am dead. No offense but I thought you disappeared as well. For a while, I thought although this blog was highly popular in many circles, it was a miracle that Google Analytics would skip any sign of traffic. This lousy blog I created, tried to imitate from others obviously did not work. Still, I ask myself are my thoughts really worth expressing? Yes, is my answer for now. No, you don't have to read it - purely because I have to get these out of my system, sure it could be nice if it would help some other in anyways but that is not my concern.


When I first got excited by the idea of writing a blog, I was under the influence of some bloggers that I followed. This reflected to my initial lousy posts which were fun for a while, then I got bored and stopped completely. It was useful for me to combine ideas from various books and motivated me to summarize them while organizing the arguments in a more clear setting. Summarizing books required some work, but I think its was worth it. The blog did not have any purpose, still does not. This post - and I guess this blog so - is meant to help me, here it is its purpose.


I moved from my beloved Istanbul to the heart of Texas (not quite, Austin is not that much Texas) - to pursue a PhD degree. Moving to States was something I wanted for years as I come from a generation who grew up to have "Back to the future" as their favorite movie, and U2 as their favorite band. I guess I would feel more of a connection to country music in Tennessee, then eastern Turkish folk music. Don't get me wrong, I love the land I grew up and I feel connected to Istanbul more than anywhere but still being imposed to that much American culture makes you feel like an insider even when you are outside.


Still I got surprised when I came here. Not because I realized it is obligatory to use the word "like" at least 5 times in a sentence, or you say thanks to the bus driver when you get off ( at least in Austin). I was more surprised by my own emotions and my understanding of the culture surrounds me. I thought I knew everything about the culture, and most of the time my experiences affirmed my initial impressions. However, I  started to question more the lifestyle  Maybe I had read Ayn Rand so much, but I still respect the idea of self-made man. Yet, the reflections of this idea to the culture are complicated. In this country, people are not disfortunate, they are seen as losers. If you can't achieve something it implies that you are a failure. Here I am exaggerating a bit but on a cultural level pure rationalism rejects all super-naturalism which in turn generates a culture that lacks a sense of contentedness. If you knew me you would laugh your ass off, as I act like logic is a new religion. Still, before observing at first hand, I never thought I'd miss little nuances that my own culture (or Europe) has, and America doesn't. Or I am just really homesick..


The fact that America lacks some qualities that Europe (+ Turkey) has, does not mean I regret my choice of coming here or that it is a superficial culture. I have always been interested in other cultures especially western ones, which motivated me to learn french and italian. I adore those cultures, mostly like those people and would like to spend years in Rome or Paris. I have good grasp of both languages but in any case I felt like I would feel like an outsider in those countries. I felt like no matter how many calzones along with vino rosso I would never feel like an italian. Not that it is important to feel italian, I think what is important is the feeling of an outsider. Wouldn't it be exhausting after a while? Yet, I thought I would never feel that way in States - after all anyone can be an american. I would express myself without any worries and I was already imposed with americana. One other feeling I got was - this may be totally wrong but note the word feeling - Europe was for fun, not work. I really liked having camambert, but I thought I could have that later on after having achievements. Where would give me more opportunities? My answer was America. This was a country where I could be a millonaire if I create an iphone app that makes fart noises. Or I could build a new type of McDonalds that serves to only lactose-intolerant people. Pardon me for the irony, but I have always felt that if you are good, this land would give you most opportunities - and I think the same way today.


My ramblings will continue shortly..

Couple of notes from the debate:

THE TWO-PARTY SYSTEM IS MAKING AMERICA UNGOVERNABLE

I hope posting these would help me remember them:)

This method is criticized in literature since the algorithm performance depends on a value of M and also it necessitates problem to be in the standard form. Converting a problem in a non standard form to the standard form results in increase in both the number of variables and the constraints (That’s a major drawback!). Yet, efficient methods exist which can accomplish this conversion with the least increase in the problem, the problem still enlarges. Therefore, many sources offer a different method for initial solution. They mostly focus on bounded simplex method but that was out of scope for our project and seemed more difficult.