It is 22.56 pm and I've been trying to sleep for two hours. Why so early, you may ask. Because I've lied to myself and believed that I'd better wake up early and write my thesis.

This last past years, I've been alone with myself a quite whole lot more than before. I imagine one thought flowing to a stall sea - and slowly breaksdown the harmony. On one hand, I say to myself, you are the one who is different, you are the one who is promising. Do something, just not watch Youtube videos or stream previous shows you've already watched. Yet, there is this alter ego, maybe a secret identity, whose life goal is to constantly drown me down. It is maybe a mother figure, saying boy, don't worry - you'll work more tomorrow. Still it is hard to decide whether it is in fact an evil nemessis or a caring relative.

Can we say that, as in movies, do major periods in our lifes have themes? Primary school years: playing Power Rangers in recreation, naivite, simplicity. Middle school years: patience, waiting for it to finish. Highschool: peace, hope. College: Search of identity, trying to understand the dynamics. Master's: hope, patience, peace. PhD: Fall-down. Self-interrogation. Feeling of insufficiency. Desire for impact along with a feeling of incapability. What is next?


When are we honest with ourselves? When do we lie? If we put our self-protection mechanism on a side, would we still like what we saw? Why do we obsess on different things? And most importantly, why can't we control our thoughts?

Even if I know a particular way of thinking is flawed, I still can not stop it. Take this city obsession for example, I know that by fantasizing about different cities and not seeing any brightside on my current one, I am making a mistake of confusing fantasy with reality. When I dream about New York, I completely forget my earlier dreams about Austin. I know that this is hypocrite but why then I can't stop? Don't I know it well enough or does hope triumph experience?